Because of its name and its shape you may think that the Stuhb is the culmination of decades of high precision German engineering. That may be so. I don't know, although I wrote the Wikipedia entry for the Stuhb. If you cannot find it right at this moment, do not panic. It may have been temporarily removed because of (air quotes) "numerous issues". Try again tomorrow.

Alernatively, the Stuhb has its own internet page¹ and if you are one of the factually-inclined, stop reading right now, and look it up on your 'gram, your 'tok, or (if you're really, really old) on your z'book.

Or, if you prefer to stay clear of boring facts and figures I will give you just the goods on the Stuhbee in three easy installments. Just like chat-gpt, but with humans.

Blown #

If on a sunny, windy Tuesday you just clue in that you must leave two days from now for the mainland, say, for a job interview in Vancouver or for a regrettable mountain biking trip to Squamish, extreme measures are needed: you will be out of the water for almost a week!!

Do not despair if all on offer is unsurfable wind-blown North Chesterman.

First and most important: don't take your shortboard; you will make a fool of yourself (again). Don't take your longboard either, the wind will flip it and turn it into a heavy, dangerous kite.

Take the Stuhbee! Its reserved, unassuming, gently porcine contours fit conveniently under your arm for a stylish walk to the beach. Start by paddling out into the choppy mess. There is no need or possibility to duck dive.

Once outside, wait. There are no sets and there is no point going for the bigger waves; they'll fizzle out right after you drop.

Find a medium-size wave that's chasing an angled shoulder. When you stand up riding it you will realize that the Stuhbee was a very, very good investment indeed.

If you find yourself barrelling out of control down a crashing side of whitewater straight towards a poor soul wrestling a rental foamie, no worries: the Stuhbee will conjure up unexpected lateral speed and get you out of trouble and possibly keep you out of jail.

You won't have to lie when you answer the question "Did you get any waves today, honey?" and you will be the afternoon's beach sensation. Folks will run to their cars to get their boards thinking they can repeat your performance on the Stuhbee. Hippies at a beach fire will offer you a puff of whatever they're smoking. Guests at the Wickanninnish will ask you if your board is carbon nanotubes.

Some kid on the beach will be like "Moh-meee-but-I-want-the-stuh ... beeeee!". His parents will probably buy him one, just to shut up.

Mushy #

If it's the end of summer, the buoy promises one metre (3-4 feet) at seven seconds and it's a three sandbar day at Cox, please don't take your weaponized silver short board (the one James Bond was riding in Die Another Day). Reach deeper into your quiver and take the Stuhbee.

Even if you weren't just looking at a wall of fog, there is no need to check the situation from the beach. Head for the middle.

The nimble Stuhbee is life-saving as you duck dive six foot shorebreak walls of brown slush. Paddle through glassy mush to the third sandbar. Yes, I said third. Stop asking so many questions.

Pick any wave with a chance of breaking. Don't trust your instincts and go for it. Small foamy wavelets around the nose of your Stuhbee will give it away: you are riding. A miracle. You are going like a hot knife through butter, or in the Stuhbee's case: hot lard.

When you get to the channel, you won't need to keep bobbing the nose of your board up and down inelegantly. Just bend your knees slightly, lean forward and think hard about where you really want to go and what you want to do with your life. The Stuhbee will understand. He will take you there.

When you hit the second sandbar and gain crazy lateral speed, the Stuhbee will give you helpful auditory feedback "tss ... tss ... tss ...". I know you won't resist following to the grand finale at the shorebreak in cheers of a delirious audience.

Stuhbee loves you is already taken and I never had a pet piglet but my chocolate lab is very much like the Stuhbee: a trustworthy friend with a leash who will never make fun of you, will try to be helpful and will make you look like a nice person through association. A good friend who loves water.

A few other things will happen: members of the League of Evil Longboarders (notice how I am not profiling) will stop dropping in on you. Seeing how it is that you are riding the Stuhbee will automatically upgrade you to off limits. As you paddle back out, Pete² himself will pause in the middle of a frontside air three-sixty and wink (!) at you.

On your way to the shower, you will have to deflect compliments on your haircut.

Wedge #

Regardless of the forecast, you will know it's one of those days when the foam in the inside corner is wafting testosterone and every closeout at the wedge has three or four takers out of the sixty or so experts in the water. Half of Tofino's population is there give or take. By their worried look and aimless wandering in the water, you will be able to spot the un-locals who have made sacrifices, paid a high price and maybe even broke the law to be here today. As you should, choose to stay out of the way and out of a fistfight; take your Stuhbee when you head to the beach. Trust me.

For this next part I must let you in on one of Tofino's darkest secrets...

👻 ... There is a second wedge!

I hope you were sitting down when you read this...

Deep breaths...

Yes, you may have a glass of water.

Now I will teach you how to find (creepy background music) The Second Wedge:

1. Draw a straight line from the inside peak to the exact mathematical center of the loose group of longboarders past Sunset Point sleeping off a hangover from last night's beach orgy.
2. Paddle to the middle of that line, just outside the rock known for obvious reasons as The Ass.

Patience! The second wedge goes off only every 256 waves (or was it 4096?), but when it does ...

Aim for peaks travelling North and take the right side of the bulging pyramid just before it starts to break. Dodge a couple of dishwasher-sized bumps and ride a short but steep and satisfying wall. Use The Force to guide your board past the channel!

Clear your mind of all material desires in preparation for the main inside wedge.

Only here will the Stuhbee show its true nature screaming wild boar foaming tusks shreading shoulder high vertical perfection amongst envious disbelieving blank stares from murders of groms in the lineup. No doubt, you won't make many repeat friends in that crowd.

Know this: I have exposed myself to grave personal danger and risk of property damage for disclosing The Secret Of The Second Wedge, although I trust the journalistic integrity of pico.sh who have sworn to protect the anonymity of their sources... I think.

I did it because the Stuhbee will help you catch more waves, which will make you a better surfer, which will make you a better person, which will help the planet. Maybe.